If you have been reading this blog with any regularity, you have probably guessed that I like writing. I actually do a lot of writing in my work–two sermons a week, two Bible studies each week and uncounted bits and pieces ranging from church bulletin announcements to emails dealing with everything from the final hymn for Sunday to theological and Biblical discussions with various people. So, it is a good thing that I like writing. Whether I am any good or not, I have to leave to readers to actually determine but I like writing.
What I don’t always like and know I don’t always do well is the detail and administration that goes with writing. The process of getting thoughts out and organized is satisfying and even addictive to me but once they are on the screen or saved on the hard drive, I sometimes lose track of what is supposed to happen next. Recently, for example, I posted a blog on July 1 that was actually supposed to be posted the next week because I didn’t pay enough attention to the dates on the files I was calling up. I don’t think the mistake was a terrible one and it didn’t destroy my whole blogging process (I don’t think it did, anyway) but it probably would have been better in the long run if I had posted the blogs in the order I had originally planned.
I could have deleted the mistake and posted the right one but really, the mistake isn’t that big or significant–and more importantly, I don’t need to get everything right all the time. I have been and am continuing to learn how to be graceful with myself. Part of that gracefulness involves extending myself more grace than I might have in the past. This grace begins with a remembrance of who and what I am and letting me be a bit more accepting of both my mistakes and my getting it right.
I don’t mean to suggest that I let myself lapse into a “laisser-faire” mindset that allows me to drink coffee, eat chocolate and watch TV all day when I am supposed to be working. I am aware that I am not perfect and that part of my commitment to God through Jesus is to work at becoming more of what he knows I can be and wants me to be–and which I actually want to be , at least on good days.
I do know and want to improve the basic me, to become more and more what God meant me to be. But at the same time, I am learning to balance the desire and even need to grow and develop with a graceful understanding that God accepted me as I was then, accepts me as I am now, and will accept me as I will be. In my emotional theology, I imagine that God rejoices with me when I do something that enables me to grow; laughs with me when I do something less than spectacular; is sad with me when I do something I know is wrong but do anyway; and most significantly, empowers me when I am ready to take another step in the growth process.
In all of it, at every point, God loves me with the same undying and unending love and accepts me as I am. And if the God of all creation loves and accepts me, who am I to argue with him? Of course, I and many others do argue with him about that. I (and we?) dump on my (our) mistakes. I (we) get upset when I (we) don’t measure up to my (our) expectations. I (we) don’t give myself (ourselves) enough credit when I (we) get things right.
But I am learning. Most of my posts get written when they should be written. Most of them get posted when they should be posted. I could do better–and am working on it. But being graceful with myself when I mess up is better for me than dumping all over myself. I am not letting myself off the hook so to speak but I am accepting the reality that although I want to grow and do better, I don’t always get it right. God forgives me and gives me another chance–and if I follow his lead, I end up doing better for myself and for my spiritual growth.
May the peace of God be with you.